Choas

So, it has been quite some time since I have written on here. A litte inspiration from a muse of sorts gave me a holler to get back to it. Just remember dear english teacher that I have always sucked at grammer and proper spelling and use of words.. haha.

So, alot has been going on recently. I have been dating a guy for sometime now (over 10 months). Pretty serious or at least as serious as it can be. By, this I mean he lives about 2.5 hours away. He can't move b/c of school. So we talk during the day sparingly and see eachother on the everyother to every weekend depending upon his schedule.

I'm begining to notice that maybe I have a problem. I'm not sure why I have it but I do. I am always trying to fix and mend things. i want to make everything better. I have been this way since I was a child. I never tell people no when they ask for something. Just not in me. I once even tried to start telling people no when I knew they'd never put for any much less the same amount of effort to please or help me. Needless to say it did not work.

Problem is I have found that I do this in my relationship. As things have changed over time I find that when things change too much, I try to correct them. Sometime by bring them to his attnetion, sometimes but just changing things. For instance, when I began to notice we no longer had actual conversations I began pushing for more undivided attention. As of now he attends school in the evenings so, that leaves us with mini convos of 5 min a few times a day and no real time to talk.. so I pushed for more convo. Which in turn backfired as he thought I was say he wasn't doing a good enough job and so forth. Even when I explain these are never my intentions always seems to backfire on me. We used to talk alot. So, when it changed I didn't want to get to where we never had a real convo. and then everything else drifted off as it can sometimes. So, I tried fixing it. Didn't work. I try this in other areas of the relationship as well. Long distance makes trust and evrything else 10 times harder. So, I get leary of women who are overly flirty (and its not just me, others see it. Of course he does not.) I have never been an insecure or dependent person but I find with him I am. I know I love him and when we're together there's never a question in my mind about anything. Cause its all great. But, its all thsoe days in between that I often feel like I'm the only one trying to keep things alive. Don't get me wrong he calls and is always the one who visits me because of my job and my own children. So, he makes efforts but just sucks I guess feeling like often I'm always trying to make things better when in turn he things nothing is the matter and I'm just making a list of his problem. I try explaining my feelings of hurt or jealousy (facebook is the devil for this.. people leaving comments on his wall, his comments to others.) but that always end up with us fighting from him mis-understanding me and my intentions. I hate how he never sees my point of view... and I explain it out. I know this is most men....lol, but by gosh it wasn't like this for the first 8 months or so.. well thats a lie there's always been alot of misunderstandings b/c most communication is via text or messenger or him not understanding why I feel the way I do about things he does that are rude, insensitive or hypocritical, and he just sees as me over reacting but then when I ask others they see it. Makes no sense. And, like I said when we're together there's never an issue, we communicate well and get along wonderfully. Just urks me I can't fix this and when I try.. well it blows up big time in my face. Like OMG something soo small but such a big deal. he has all my passwords to everything.. my computer that he uses, emails, everything jsut cause well theri all the same....lol he's seem my messenger and people messaging me and what not, but if I touch his phone or computer hes all away, refuses to log into messenger.. really weird n the more he refuses the more it makes me wonder y? His computer when I'm at his house he has to enter the password.. like it top secret.. idk just weird like he tries to make me insecure..idk just bothers me n not sure y. Cause I trust him, but then when he does weird things like that sets me back a bit. when I'm open about all aspects of my life n he shuts me out and then doesn't understand y it raises flags for me...

I find the same thing in my business, always trying to make people happy even if means making unwise business decisions. I know I can not always make everyone happy, nor always fix things but I always feel as though if they have reached out to me it is my responsibility to do as much as I possiably can. Why is this?????

Drives me bonkers. BLAH. No clue how to address any of it. This is mostly one big rant...lol but o well

Long time

Been a very long time since I have been on here!!! But, looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. Here are some neat Halloween items I worked on over 2 days for a class I host from my home....as well as a neat little word block made from childrens blocks. I have created sooo much int he last few months...look forward to sharing more of it! TFL!

Balancing Act

Does anyone else feel as though they are one of those little clowns on the uni-cycle you see in the circus?

I often feel like that poor guy...in the beginning balancing is fine...but then u add a stick and a plate to balance while riding and u get thrown off a bit. Then add some balls or other odd object to it and it just keeps getting crazier. You find yourself trying to balance all the objects but really you no longer see the individual objects...just the overall task of making sure they all stay off the ground.

I have found that even more so since becoming a single mom again I often feel the burn of this task. I am balancing a number of different things. I can feel them all weighing on me...however if asked I'm not always sure I can mention them all...I just know their there. Does that make sense. It's like my girlfriend asking whats new in life. Of course I have new things and new stresses and new joys...however when asked can I name things...of course not. I can name the most current things...say those that have occurred within the last few hours. I know their weighing on me and in my mind and being mentally or physically balanced but putting them into words....hmmm i sometime fall short on,

I remember a time when I loved writing....honestly I still have a great passion for writing...always working on a book I have in the works....but somehow its always on the back burner. Used to blog alot more but the balancing has moved it to one of those items I carry under my arm...pull out every now and then but not really paying attention to it. i used to have insightful thoughts and observations...now its more like rants and raves. My brain is mush by 8pm most evenings. I don't want to think much less spell check or form full thoughts.

I'm like every other mother I suppose. I know I'm balancing it all. Not always sure how well. I love the encouragement i rec. from Friends and family...really i do. Some days it means alot to me. Other day its just feels as though its one more person I have to explain everything too....

Here lately I've been not so good at balancing my thoughts. End result...I just blurt out whatever is on my mind without thinking...lol..much easier...however, I have found that not thinking before speaking, causes many mis-understandings...lol...so there's no winning these days in my book.

We all balance a number of things in life and each person has their own order of balance. For me...well there's no real order to be honest. I evaluate what need immediate attention and of course things that should always have top position but the rest just kinda hangs there waiting...ick...thats what I have to say about that...lol.

This post really has no meaning or any direction...just random thoughts and things...lol

Clutter

So, this week I have decided to crack down on my house. This was prolly inspired by my X finally getting his stuff...well he's not but someone is...lol and my figuring when I was going thru it all might as well throw crap out and get rid of stuff, that's been collecting for years upon years.

OMG I hate clutter...but what I hate even more is when you have clutter and your not disposing of it then really all you do is move the clutter from one place to the next...I threw out like 6 large trash bags today of crap...set is out for preschool parents to go thru...they went thru it and then the rest went in the garbage! YEA me. Felt great...doesn't feel like I cleared up a ton of space but hmm maybe doing it each day will...who knows...but it feels good to do it.

Fear

How as people do we not allow fear to consume our thoughts? I'm speaking very generally here. So, many fears to have as a woman, as a mother heck anything these days and everyone for that matter. I of course can only speak from a girl's perspective.

I often find myself thinking about things that could happen or might happen. I wonder how much time I spend thinking about things that honestly I can't say or do nothing about. I certainly can't prevent them from happening if their destined to happen. None the less they occupy my mind more often then not.

They like to strike while I'm laying in bed on those sleepless nights. I often play through my head if I've said and done everything I can to prevent the big ones that bother me the most. Of course I never have a solution...none the less I worry.

Thats all fear seems to be is worrying about something you have no control over. Sucks all the same though. Kinda vague tonight not feeling all to explainitory.

It takes a village

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I couldn't agree more with those words of wisdom. When Taylor was younger I often found myself looking to others for guidance, encouragement, wisdom and so forth.

However, today it hit me in the face like a 50 pound brick. I am everyone's village. I get calls of all times of the day and night asking for help or guidance or favors. This I really don't mind. I enjoy helping others really I do. Sometimes though i feel like I know people who depend on the village not for assistance but as the primary caregiver of their children.

I run a daycare. I care for others children all day and all night 7 days a week. I know what I'm doing for the most part with kids...well everyone's but my own...lol. However, when it comes down to little things...a child says something...completely inappropriate and instead of the parent (who's mind you standing right there) saying something they look at me. It's not even a look of what should I do...hmm as I've already had that convo a billion times. It's a look almost like...hmm.. ok say your in wal-mart and someones child is just being a complete brat..you give them the look...the look that says its your child do something about them. That's the look I get from people I know. I want to scream "It's not my child" or in some cases "My time is up as the caregiver its 5pm...DO YOUR JOB!" However, I don't I handle it. Maybe, it's wrong but on the other hand a child who learns they can get away with something will test it to all extremes...and that's not something I accept well in my house.

So, here's my pondering thought this evening. Women work I get this, I work. Their children attend daycare. The daycare provider should play a role in helping raise the child int he ways they should know. Check got that too. What I don't understand is how they only have their children like say 15 hours mon-fri. when their awake and like to appear and act as though their just as overwhelmed as I am. I mean really! I know work and life in general is stressful but how parents assume I need to say and do it all is beyond me when their right there. Don't get me wrong being a mom even if its only for 15 hours can be stressful...BUT COME ON PEOPLE! Now, to be fair I have friends who don't work who also depend on me. However, the dependency for advice or help is much less then those who pay me weekly to do so. Those who pay me seem to think my on the clock never runs out.

Now, I feel its only appropriate to state that I love helping people. I don't mind going to see if a split open head needs stitches, talking to a child to get them to take medicine they refuse to take, talking to a child on the phone because their full time mom is soo frazzled from the days events and just wants a break and need them to go to bed, helping a child going through emotional issues...these things I get and am always there to help. However, you child just being a terror and you doing nothing about it because your exhausted...hmmm get a grip and take care of it yourself. I do it 7 days a week for 12 kids!

What's worse to me is when I decide to step aside and let a parent handle the situation I get a comment. "Oh do u let them do this here?" OMG! I answer politely that I do not and what I do, however I'm thinking in my head most of the time...they don't do that when their just with me cause they know it won't fly in this here village. I think it's hard for people to understand my want to help them is great however, i don't always have the answers or the solutions, i hear prolly 10 mothers vent their days events and stresses daily and sometimes i just can't hear it anymore and have nothing new to offer them in the area of advice or sympathy. I feel like I'm in over my head most days with the stuff people ask of me when I know they'd never hold themselves ot the same standards.

LOL I'm just another mom/woman learning as I go people, I help when I can but when I can't or just don't want to please understand. Sometimes I just wish people weren't so selfish and thoughtless and thought...geez...I wonder if she's tired or needs a break or just that she doesn't always want to play mom to all the children who aren't her own. God know I love children and esp. all those I have here but sometimes I feel like the expectations put on me are higher then that on the parents themselves!

A bit of a vent tonight...lol bare with me!

You Know You Need A Break When...

So, you know your knee deep in the stresses of day to day life when you find yourself secretly pondering and hoping for something semi bad to happen to you so that you may spend a few days in the hospital.

I mean think about it...food you don't have to cook, a room you don't have to clean, people waiting on you at the push of a buzzer, a bed you don't have to make, sheets you don't have to clean. Now it would have to be something that also involved no visitors...so that way the kids don't come in a terrorize you either...hmm Yes sounds like a vacation.

The plus of being in the hospital is that then no one can get mad at you for taking a vacation and you don't feel guilty about having someone else take your kids. It does cost money but heck so does a vacation...lol...hmm sounds near bliss to me today.

Children Raising Children

This topic is brought on by a situation my best friend is currently in. She is a SAH mom and step mom. Currently she has been battling...well they've been battling forever but the current issue is with the biological mother dating and going out leaving the 14 year old child in charge of a 7 and 8 year old. Now, just this is discouraging to both her and I.

We wonder why children grow up too fast in this society. However, when you look at this situation it's a prime reason as to how it happens. With this mother being so dumb she's throwing off so many things. First, by leaving one child in charge of the others there's bound to be a power struggle between the children as well as favoritism. The younger children are not of age to get the concept of an older sibling being in charge of them.

Now, here's the kicker. Not only is this child being allowed to watch the other 2 children sometimes all day, many nights and weekends but the mother has also given the older sibling and her friends to physically discipline the younger two. I find this out right appalling!!!!!

I won't hide my disgust...in fact only a few days ago the mother went to spank the child and could not "catch" her and allowed the older sibling and her friends to catch her and hold her down!!!! Are you fricking kidding me...that was my response to my friend among other things. She's obviously even more so frustrated with this situation then myself as she's the one getting the phone calls from the child saying please come get me...their hurting/picking on me. She remains powerless in these situations and the girl's father is in the military and currently away therefore she just has the court ordered days and if the child calls her crying she is powerless and can do nothing if its not on her court appointed day. Here her step child reaches out to her and she is powerless which then hurts their relationship to say the least as the 8 year old can not justify why she is not running to her aid to help her when she's in need and then grows a resentment towards her.

The biological mother is a mess all on her own...let me tell you would take weeks to explain how retarded she is. I'd really like to use some "grown up" words to describe her but retarded is the best I have most days to describe her and her thoughtless actions when it comes to her children and their well being. That being said I'm not even sure how one comes to the point to where they put a child in charge of another child. I can understand a 17 year old keeping after a 9 year old for a short period...don't get me wrong. But, I can not wrap my head around a 14 year old taking care of an 7 and 8 year old and being allowed to physically discipline them not to mention for as long as these children are being watched. it's not even that the mother is working she going out. Also I feel i should note this is not a young mom...she's older. My friend has repeatedly tried to be nice and make a connection or attempt to speak rationally with the biological mother..but she likes to use her being the mother whenever it's convenient to her and accepting advice from a step mother is just not in her. When she was asked if she knew the older sibling was hitting when she wasn't home its to no suprise that she stated in short that it was ok if it needed to be done.

The 8 year old has been going through alot and she is the one at the brunt of this situation. Breaks my heart. As far as legally speaking everyone has told my friend that she basically can't do anything because a 14 year old is allowed to stay home alone and tend after siblings. I think its just NUTS...do you hear me..... NUTS. It's not like the mom is running to the grocery store she's just leaving...out all night, out all day...she has no parental compass and its really chaps me.

This is what's the matter with children today and the family dynamic. I dont care if your a one parent or two parent household. Raising a child is your responsibility and leaving it to other children within the home is just craziness. I went through this as a child and it's unfair to all of the children involved. Why do people think it's ok to strip the childhood from their children. Why and when did it become ok to allow a child to feel smaller then an ant and not to care about their well-being, self-confidence, self-esteem and everything that comes along with basically being told how you feel doesn't matter. Because that is what is happening to this poor 8 year old. When...When...When...why is this ok...why is there nothing others can do about it? I think its abuse on so many levels...let me hear some thoughts or advice to my freind...she reads this blog allt he time...lol

Single Moms Dating

So, I got a reply to my post about single moms dating and the children involved.

"Please don't introduce your children to any man until you are ready to commit to him. Children don't need to have guys walking in and out of their lives. By waiting it also protects your children. Some men want to date single moms in order to get close to their children. Please be careful."

I wanted to reply to this with some more questions....

Here's my questions and viewpoints if you will. I understand men not floating in and out of a house as I find this appauling and would never do that to my children. Their saftey is always my utmost importance. Now, I'm assuming committed above means marriage or livingtogether.

Here's my deal with this is a relationship between a woman and man could be great but how do you commit to someone you have not seen enteract with your children? Should you commit to someone you have never seen enteract with them...seen the chemisty and connection between them. I'm not meanign to say i think each guy a woman dates should meet the children or get them overly attached to a guy...but doesn't there have to be some line to where you view them with your children?

I just know that a relationship a man and woman have dating is a very different dynamic then a family type relationship. So, I'm still curious on this one I guess...

Baby Shower Decor

So, I got a mail from a follower asking me if I also scrap decor or do any other crafts so I thought I'd share some creations from a baby shower for a friend. she was having a baby girl and I threw her a baby shower. There were enough diapers between these two cakes to last her about 3 months! But, the big one was heavy as all get out!

Utter Stupidity

So, something very sad happened this weekend in a town right next to ours.

A young man about 13 was left at home alone. He and his Friend heard a noise outside and got scared and went to get his parents gun. It's still unclear all the details as the boys uncle says they were wrestling...whatever the details the gun went off and killed the boys 14 year old friend. He died before the EMS could get there. The 13 year old was arrested for involuntary manslaughter.

Ok, I of course have a few things to say about this. First of all I want to say today my son came home from school with a note. It was from the school district explaining in short what had happened and then going through a mini list of warning signs of troubled kids. Now here's my issue with this little note I rec. this wasn't some kid who got ticked off and shot someone out of anger so why am I getting a note about warning signs of such...makes little to absolutely no sense to me. I think it should have been a note to parents about gun saftey not about troubled kids and the warning signs of troubled kids. Why not a note reminding parents of gun saftey and how the sherriffs office gives out free locks...

Now, here's my large issue with this. I consider myself very gun friendly and wise. But, what I don't get is why the gun was accessible to the kids to begin with. I want to see the parents charged for stupidity. See, as a parent I get that kids are dumb....lol...don't get me wrong I know they are smart as well but no child should ever be able to use their own digression on whether or not to go get a gun for safety or screwing around.

I know parents shouldn't always be held liable for the actions of their children but in this instance I really hope the parents get it up the hind end...there's no excuse for having a weapon in the house and to have it accessible to the children. I have had guns in my home but, they've always been in safes and my children never even knew where they were located. I get the town is a small one of only 200 people and maybe their more lax in these things but where is the frickin common sense. I'm all about owning weapons and the right to do so..but don't these idiots get that instances like this are why our rights get stripped away little by little? Not saying its not the only reason but its certainly not screaming for us to remain having the fire arm rights we want and fight for, that the gov't hasn't already stripped away. Not to mention a young man died because they were too lazy, too ignorant, too stupid to do what is right when you own a weapon.

Irritates the piss out of me if you can't tell. I think the parents are more responsible then the child in this particular case. I just can't believe with everything that has happened with children and guns over the past 10 years lets say that anyone would be stupid enough to leave a weapon... number one where a child knows its at and number two not being locked away.

Tell me whatcha think...I'm very curious...it didn't used to be that a 13 year old was completely at blame for something that could of been avoided by a responsible adult. I do think the child had a responsibility in this situation, he was stupid...but he was a kid and there was a gun there...hes a kid..kids are known for doing nonsensical things and thats why as parents we are suppose to do our best to ensure we set boundaries for some of those stupid things...locking a gun up is one of those many things...and quite frankly killing his best freind to me is going to be far worse then anything the courts would add to his shoulders and life...but I'd really like to see someone get those parents for their stupidity in this situation, it used to be the gun owners responsibility to keep their weapons out of reach, now it seems they rarly have any responsibility in situations.

Recent Creation

So, got these done over the last few weeks....kinda late posting them but their here none the less...

Blog Name Change

So, after some deliberation, I have decided to change the name of my blog. I think this one sits better with my life and so there you have it.

Fears..

I'm not sure whats prompting this post this morning but...its the topic of choice. Are you one of those moms who allows fears to control how you mother? I guess I am not. I'd like to say I'm for cetian on that but I'm sure there are somethings that are fear inspired. I don't see fear as a bad thing I guess. I just see it as the things that challenge me. Some fears are fears inspired by things that happened when I grew up...meaning they weren't natural fears but through some experience they were developed.

For instance, I consider a natural fear of mine to be the dark. Yes, that's right I'm one of the millions who is afraid of the dark...however it was strongly strengthened byt the fact that my dad often would sit downstairs and come up after me in the dark and grab my legs to scare me. He was the dad who asked you to go get something from the car after dark...and then go out there with a gun or leaf blower and jump out n scare the crap out of me. Yes, that was my twisted family...

I have many fears...thought it might be neat to list them. As a show of faith that I'm not defined by them or embarrassed. I think of them more so as challenges I get to overcome...hmm hopefully throughout life.

- Fear of the dark.
- Fear of dying before I've seen my children grow old. - This fear is one inspired by life. My mom passed when I was 13 and i'd never want my children to have to grow up not knowing their mom. It's not a fear of dying but just not getting to see them grow old and happy.
- Fear of falling in love with someone who's already given the heart to someone else and doewsn't have it to fully give to me.
- Fear of letting people down. I'm not sure where this one came from but I've always been afraid of letting people down..not everyone but those important to me.
- Fear of losing my scrapbooks....I knwo this one seems kinda pity but, its a huge fear. I've worked for years on them and love them to pieces. They tell my families stories.
- Fear that my daughter will someday be a teen mom. This more so it's just based on society and how fast thigns move these days and having had a child at 15...I'd never wish those struggles on my children..or anyone for that matter.

I don't have many fears and for this I am grateful. Although, I have learned that as I go through life I do acquire new ones along the way.

Snow Snow

So, all week I have had this great idea to spend all day today spring cleaning. I had it all mapped out, what I really need to get done, even made a list to add to throughout the week.

I wanted to steam my floors, clean the upstairs areas which is where all of the kids rooms are and then just general things around the house like cleaning the walls and such. I have been planning to do this spring cleanign for some time but never got the right days off or time or energy.

As luck would have it we would get inches of snow last night. Normally wouldn't be such an issue but after a weeks worth of decent spring is near weather...I foudn the snow I normally love a bit disheartening. I really wanted to open all the windows in the house and fill it with freah air...i have done this on decent days during the window as I hate the smell of a stuff house but its different. The snow is pretty but, just when the kids get used to being able to get out and about they can't again...lol...poor them....pooor me...lol

I spent the better part of the morning doing little things, but hoenstly can't bring myself to steam the floors when I can't open all the windows and air it all out...so I've piddled all day with laundry and general Saturday cleaning things.

This last week was spring break, I barrely saw Taylor as he was at sleep overs or having sleep overs nearly each night. Desi also spent quite a bit of time at freinds houses throughout the week. I'm ready for school to start back up though. I hired a new assistant of which I adore here. She's very much so like myself in many ways. Which could of been a complete disaster...but it's worked out wonderfully. This I am greatful for as looking for a new one was exuasting.

I plan on trying to get some new creations scrapped this afternoon. A good snowy day is a good day to craft...also considering a bit of inline shopping for some new CHA items that have been released. Other then that just plan on kinda hanging out today with hopefully minimal excitement for this weekend. I could use a calm weekend to just beathe.

Love & Attachment

I'm sure I'm going to catch alot of flack on this post none the less I'm posting it.

I have 2 children and talking with a friend one night found myself trying to explain that I love both of my children more then anything in this world but the love I have for each child is soooo sooo different. It's even hard to put into words. Which if you personally knew me you'd know is very abnormal for me not to have words...lol

When Taylor my first was born I was very excited and scared as every first time mother is. However, I was 15 and the emotions that cam with him and his pregnancy and birth and everything were far different from those I experienced with my daughter. So, many things were different with her. I loved my pregnancy with her, loved her delivery...loved it all. It was picture perfect besides the complication associated with it but even with those it was great.

I often find myself feeling guilty over these emotions. I know I love both of my kids soo much but there are lots of things that are far different with them both. For instance when Taylor went to school I was literally skipping back to the house with newborn Desi. I have been dreading Desi going to school for a year now. I look at Taylor and can't believe how fast he's grown up and how mature he is. Desi, I look at her almost daily feeling like I'm missing things with her. Hard to explain but she'll do something or give me a look and I'm just like...what happened I blinked and I missed it, when did she learn that. In all actuality I'm extremely lucky as I've been with Desi everyday practically of her life...didn't have that with Taylor as I went to school and worked all the time, so it would seem he would be the one I should feel like I missed things on but its not so.

Taylor is very calm and collected a bit emotional but over all not very confident in who he is and desi is a walking image of me. She spunky, and fun and always says whats on her mind, very confident in herself and what she can and will do, a great mini mommy to the daycare kids and always full of energy. I think that's maybe why I connect with her on so many levels. None the less I have a guilt associated with it. We all have guilt as moms for all kinds of things but this one seems to bug me the most. Like I should feel more connection with taylor, or is it cause he's gone all day and the moments that make me say awww aren't aas often as he's growing up. Don't get me wrong we have a wonderful relationship...better then most I know, but I feel guilty and I never know why. we talk about everything and hate to put it like this but experienced alot of life together, not necessarily me leading him through it but together. Not what i think is idea but its how it happened.

I know its not from a lack of love cause theres love there but I feel bad...like I feel bad cause I don't have those feelings of missing all the little things with him...does that make me a bad mom? I'd like to think not..I'm sure theres some of you out there who say it's exactly the same between your two children...and to that I say ...........BLAH-Good for you. Yes, that's just how mature I feel...lol. I just can't wrap my head around why I'm so much more emotional about the things that Desi does or says or goes through then I ever remember being with Taylor. Maybe I was and just have forgotten the little emotions I felt here and there over the last 10 years.

So, my questions to all of you is do you ever feel this way or is it just me. Do you ever feel guilty because you did more with one child then you were able to with another? Do you feel like your attachment is stronger to one child...notice I didn't say love as I believe I have just as much love for each child...just different attachments to each child if that makes sense and even if it doesn't its all I got.

Single Mom's Dating

Being newly single for the first time in like almost 6 years I've found myself at a point to where I don't have answers or even suggestions for myself. i try to think what my answers have been or would be to a friend and coming up blank...

Whats the rules for dating as a single mom.

Do the kids meet the guy? If so do they meet him as a friend as in he's over to hang out and watch movies or wait until there's something serious?

How do you handle over night stays when you have kids? Or are you even suppose to have them?

I know for each person its very different as to what their comfortable with and what their not but its confusing to say the least. Can you show affection in front of your children. I always thought it was healthy for children to see 2 adults share love and tid bits of love...I'm not talking about straddling a guy and going to town but what about little kisses...and hugs...acceptable or not?

There's alot of uncharted waters I'm walking in here lately and not too sure how to go about it all but just testing things out to see how they go. I was single when I met my X husband and only had Taylor but obviously the ways I went about things there were not the right way...lol

I'm interested to hear what the single moms out there have to say about this...how do you approach dating or sex for that matter....I'm just going to put that out there...cause I'm curious. So, whether your single or not I'm interested in your opions.

Odd tid-bits of this and that

The last few days have been filled with interesting things around my house. All interesting enough to make mention of right there but not necessarily write about it depth details. Going to make a few bullet notes to update all of u.

- To my dear Friend: your not a horrible mommy...kids do dumb things.....hahaha just think of all the dumb things u did as a child...lol...might not seem so bad then.

- The knot on my head is huge and sore...helpful note to others when falling on tiled floor covered in water in the bathroom grabbing the shower curtain is not the smartest of ideas...

This weekend was pretty uneventful for me personally. It's spring break for my son and with that comes the whines and moans of boredom...which I being a good mom saw coming a mile away. If the weather would pick up and be nice at least he'd have more options but its been pretty dreary here the last few days.

So, my father has ventured back out into the exclusive dating world. News to me this week when I find out the woman I just met last week he's been dating since November and going on a weeks vacation with. She's far to sweet for him...no offense to him but I see him corrupting her...none the less he's never stuck his nose into my dating world..however note to others when I begin dating someone he normally meets them when I think its serious...so I explored the idea that its not serious...but quickly disregarded that thought when he said their taking a weeks vacation together to Florida. He deserves it and i know he's been lonely...or not lonely per say but missing that part of his life for some time...that part of completion.

I've discovered this week that facebook is now the world connection point. Tell me when we entered a world to where we have to ask permission from another person for them to admit their family...hahahah much less someone ur in a relationship with. i being lame...just now found out where to add the family members on facebook and thought to myself I'm really sending a request for someone to admit their family...WOW...then my mind wondered into what if someone didn't want to admit they were family....hahaha a whole new way to offend others...lol. As my dear friend put it...it hasn't happened or doesn't exist unless facebook says it does. I've seen people get stressed, laugh, sad, and all out pissed from a simple sentence that someone puts in their status section...leaves so much room for interpretation.

Odd Note: my son is having a friend over to stay the night tonight...my way to salvage the fact that hes stuck here for a week with preschoolers...and the kid just walked in and says "so when is Taylor's mom getting home"...hmmm I just smile and say she should be here soon....Taylor blurts she is my mom and the poor kid turned bright red in embarrassment. while walking up stairs to play games I catch the tail end of a convo they are having to where my son says "so ya I'm teaching you to be cool." the kid replies back "ya, thanks i really need it." I have a moment to where I think I might say something...but decide against it.

I personally have been discovering alot about myself here lately which I'm grateful for. I feel like since matt and I split that somehow I have more time to focus on the things that I want and need and don't want or need at all. I love it.

Daylight savings time way today...which I might just say I think BLOWS....I love the extra day of light for me personally but makes it harder for kids to go to bed at night when they don't understand why they have to go to bed when it's still light out...and spent all day feeling like I was catching up on rest. I know I know its only an hour but feels like 5 was taken away...lol

As of yesterday my birthday is officially a month away. I must be honest only goign to be 26 but somehow I feel like im on the brink of 45...most days anyways. I'm not too excited about it...not sure why...normally I'm all about the birthdays even my own and I get way physced about about them but just not feeling it this year for some reason. I don't have anything I want or need for that matter so kinda just feels like another day...lol....maybe excitement will build as it gets closer....who knows...or maybe I really am just getting old to where the thought of my own birthday no longer excites me...in past years its like one of my fave days...even though I knew when with matt he'd forget to say happy birthday much less make an effort to get me something...lol

So, there are my little tic bits for today...might post something of usefulness tonight but just not feeling it at the moment...

Knowing Your Limits

As mothers, wives, girlfriends, women we have so much that is expected of us on a daily basis. Cooking, cleaning, working, balancing home life and work and if they mesh together god help u...lol, maintaining healthy adult relationships, marriage, dating, activities and everything else that comes along with or without notice. We're expected to move the world a little each day...we may not notice or think that we are but we do.

Today while visiting with a girlfriend we got into a discussion of limitations and expectations. Knowing as a person we have limits and although most days we do the impossible and go above and beyond what we ever thought we could do, we all have breaking points and limitations. Limitations for patience, helping, nerves,discipline, everything else that comes with having a vagina. There's only so much one person can take. For each of us its different. Some of us know our breaking points but normally the only way we learn what they are is by actually reaching them. It's kinda sad and horrible when you think about it. Why must we actually reach the final straw to know where our point is at. Is it just me or does that suck!!

There was never a book they handed you when you become a mother or step mother that says "Hey when you reach this point...STOP...before you fall off the cliff." We don't actually know until we have one foot off the cliff teeter tottering on the edge, looking ahead to the solid ground where we want to be but then our heads look down as we never should and see the sharp rocks waiting for us...ready to fall with the smallest of winds. What saves us from falling...well some have nervous break downs...lol....kidding...well sorta...haha I think what keeps most of us from falling is the love, guidance and appreciation we get from Friends and family. When your to this point do u hold it in...most likely you do because we're taught at a very young age that women esp. are the glue that hold together a family, children or any relationship. It's unfair but its true and you know it.

As my friend sat over here this afternoon I truly felt blessed. Although, the relationship her and I have is more often then not....not understood by others we love it...lol. I was happy...happy we could sit and share the things we did. Knowing there was no judgement from either of us and what we felt we just openly shared about how we felt...reach limits is never fun and it sucks they sometimes get reach or even get tested however I've never been happier to have someone so close to me to be able to share it all with, the happy things, the scary things the things no one wants to or rarely even talks about!

Learning To Say NO!

For once I'm not speaking of anything concerning a child. Although, i do believe that each child should know and respect the word no. Tonight I'm writing concerning how often we spread ourselves too thin.

In the last week I haven't felt like I was on my feet at all. Felt like the entire week I was just floating from one task to the next barely remembering to eat much less take breathes. I took a moment to examine why I felt this way. I am a rather busy person by nature and with my job working 7 days a week, however here lately things have been even more hectic. It all boils down to one thing. I rarely tell people no. Whether its to take a child additional days or hours then I should of had them, or to come over and hang out when i just feel like being left alone, or to host a party, or do them a favor. What is it that makes us feel like we can't say no respectively?

I have told people no, don't get me wrong, however when I have said no was normally because I absolutely could not in any possible way figure out how to say yes to them. I don't kid myself this is a very very rare occurrence. More often then not I will tilt the earth on its axes to help someone or figure out how to help them in any given situation. Sometimes I feel as though what it takes for me to move things around takes more effort then the actual favor they needed. It should not be alot of work for me..I think helping is fun and love being there for others but at the same time I feel stretched thin.

I enjoy feeling wanted...who doesn't? but, even more so then feeling wanted i like more so feeling appreciated. I find that in what I do day in and day out I don't get a whole lot of appreciation. It's rare...who am I kidding its never that a 4 year old looks at me and says thank you for providing a safe, secure and fun environment for me to be in. Ha I'm lucky to get the parents to say that. So, when I can do odd little things for people it makes me feel good.

However, this last week to where it seems more and more everyone is asking for little favors. All those little favors add up to me having little to know me time. So, I'm making a pledge to myself to begin saying no. Not to everything, but I really want to work on if I feel like its taking away from the little me time i do or will have then i should step back and say no....respectively of course. I'm challenging you to do the same as well. I'm not sure how people will respond to begin with as they are all used to always hearing yes coming from my mouth but def. worth a try for sure! I'll keep you posted as to how it goes.

Out of the mouthes of babes

Yesterday, my daughter and friend are doing tattoos...they start discussing how both of their dads have tattoos...then comes the bomb

"Well my mommy has a tattoo on her vagina!" she pratically screams.

OMG, did my daughter just say that to her freind. LOL. I have always taught her the proper names for body parts so that was no suprise. However, its on my hip...lol. I tried explaining this to her and she turns to her freind and says.

"Well my mom has a tattoo next to her vagina."

One of those OMG moments...thats all I can say about that. Luckily her friends mom is very down to earth and took me explaining it with alot of humor and understanding. Last thing I wanted was her freind goign home saying Desi's mom's got this on her vagina...lol...NOT GOOD.

Does it happen to u?

It's amazing how fast desi has grown up. Seems like yesterday I was saying she was going to be a handful and today she actually is. Desi is something special for sure, any of you who personally know her can atest to this hard but true fact. I like to say she's everythign scary about havign a girl wrapped into one mini-me.

Tonight is not a rant or rave or even a blissful post but one of confusion.

So, here's how this plays out.

A few weeks ago I happened to notice the lip gloss was missing from my make-up bag. Now as any good mommy and state liscensed daycare should, I have child proofing on my drawers with my make up in them to keep out of reach of small hands and mouths. hahahaha before any hate mails come about those who dont have them... 2 things...they're only in place because the state inspection lady...who just adores me. (fatest joke ever) said I had to. Taylor survivied just fine eating half the non-ediable things in my cabinets, and that boy ate everything. Number 2 ya their not childproof when ur kids is smart enough to mimic. They observe you do it once or twice and then presto a few times trying when you not looking and they got it down. Personal not: I should write a note to the companies who guarantee my kid wont be smart enough to get into them. Ok back to the discussion at hand.

So, lip gloss missing...I think to myself maybe its in the car or I've misplaced it...wouldn't be the first thing I've misplaced...and go about my day. While at the store later that day i buy a new one...cause honestly I don't have time to check the 5 billion places it might have ended up and prolly even then would come up empty handed. A few days later I notice a tube of deoterant is missing...now that's an odd thing to go missing...hmm my mind wonders and yet I don't investigate...mostly due to the lack of time and energy of grilling first the go to culprits who will deny at all costs and then the secondary ones who might not say anything at all. Then a few days later a mini bottle of my "stripper" perfume is missing...i call it this because well its the stuff that just wreaks of stripper and yet smells so sweet...lol...u all know what I'm talking about..even for those of you that don't broach the stripper schenes...lol...hmm 2 things come to mind if someone had gotten into it and used it all I would notice..while house would wreak of cheap girls...hahah yes that right...I like to smell like a cheap ole hooker...lol...sue me... girls gotta have a few vices.

A few more days lapse and I start to notice a few things here or there...now keep in mind I'm not really putting all of these petty thefts together...because as I happen to b going through the day one thing missing really isn't any concern of mine but one night while cleaning out drawers it all came to me...light bulb on. There's a thief in my midst. I have no hard evidence to this fact of course but it's def. a good mommy hunch.

My primary suspect, Desiree of course. She's the go to person here. Number one she can't keep her hands out of my make-up back and well anythign I have she thinks she needs at the ripe age of 4.5. Now had I actually found any items on her or in her room I'd go to her...alas I found nada. I deep cleaned her room this very weekend. No evidence at all. But, it's not like kids are stuffing things in their shirts as they make their way out my door...lol...I wonder where she hides her forbidden treasures...secrets holes in the wall, in her vent, some place I havent thought to look...where does all the mommy stolen goods go to. I will probably ask which won't turn up much help at all...I'll get the innocent play on it most likly and the fight to know where they are or if any of it is still useable is one that I choose to not have in the large scheme of other worthy things to fight about. It's like the sock monster that every mom knows well,we never really know where they go...but we knew we had them.

I'm curious is this a girl thing? Or maybe an every kid thing and I just happened to slip by it without Taylor catching the thieving bug...lol.

Ever Had One Of Those Days

or weeks for that matter to where it seems no matter how hard you try or do good you just keep getting smacked in the face by everyone you know...the last 4 days have been like that for me. Booooo Not much else to write those words explain it all.

Spring Fever

So, this morning it occured to me that I beleive spring fever has hit my house. Every child here seems to b wired with an oddly more then normal amount of energy. Perfect timing as today my assitant called out sick. I feel their pain though so try to sympathize with them. I can not wait for those perfect spring says to where you step outside and its just right...not too hot and not too cold...I find those days onyl come in spring and fall...but I adore them! I can't wait to go camping this summer, get everyone out of the house. Winters are always hard with me running a preschool...as some kids can go out some can not...it becomes one large mess...but this winter for some reason seems to of gotten to us all alot more then usual.

Yesterday, I watched it snow soo hard and fast that I could not see out my windows...and within 20 minutes it had stopped...ground covered in a new fresh coat of snow and the sun was out. I have foudn the last week that I felt decieved by what I saw outside. There would be no snow and the sun would be shinnign and it would "appear" to look beauitful out...take a step outside and you freeze to death...lol. I can't wait for warm weather. I happen to love snow and love the cold as it always seems I'm hot, but this year I just want it overwith.

Here's some pretty pictures of some of the snow in the last week...lol...sorry for the lighting but it was like 5am ...lol

Change

Everyone knows chage is hard. Hardest when theres people you care about involved. I recently made the decision to become yet again a single mom. Hardest decision I have had to make probably in 7 years. However, I truly felt it was needed for the health and well being of all involved. Not matter is the decison was easily or hard in coming to all chages are hard. Even harder when children are involved. I have found myself in a home by myself for only a few days now. Somethings are easier to adjust to the others I will admit. The hardest is at night after all of the kids are in bed. Its quiet....I dont want very much tv ad dont have cable so theres not eve the sound of tv in the background. Just silence. Its something for sure that will take me time to get used to. Sleeping alone...yet another thing to get used to.
Durig the day is much simplier as the 12 childre running around keep me on my toes and leave little room for silence or for my mind to wonder. I find myself curious how it all turns out as I suspect anyone in this kind of situation does. I know it won't be easy but nothing in life...lol...or my life has been easy so I almost find a comfort in knowing challeneges are coming. I've had the talks with the kids...which was less then enjoyable. However I wanted everything out there. While my 4.5 year old only takes away that her "brother" won't be around very much my son at 10 seems not to be fazed by it. Not sure if hes holding it in or if the last two years with Matt he has't formed the bond I thought maybe had been there...even if just alittle.
I always thought it would be easier to leave someone whos not the father of your children but it has prove to be no easier as I looke dinto desi's eyes and she says "so I dot have a daddy anymore" I almost broke down but held it together...she will always have a father but hes far away which is hard for her to understand. Moments like these make me question what I asked for in him leaving to figure things out. But then I look and say is it better hes here while figuring it out. I guess none of us kow the answers really. We make educated guesses with every decision in life.
It's nap time and the house is quiet aside from a few giggles from the girls trying to chit chat while napping and soft country music playig in the background. The music I have found breaks the silence. I spend my days looking over budgets repeatedly wondering will it work...sure it will...then I revisit it an hr later making sure I didn't forget anything.
It hits me...everything is more complicated now. I work from 5am to about 9pm watching other peoples kids 7 days a week. It's scarce that I have a day off and while I have hired a assistant for during the day how will I work out goig to the bank, paying bills, grocery shopping. If it were just my kids thats simple...I have done that before. I'm scared but you can't show that or the kids eat it up like candy. I'm not scared on making it and I'm one of those who survive no matter what. I'm scared of more bad decisions that affect everyone lives. I hate cats or I might turn into one of those crazy cat ladies...crosses my mind....lol...I decide against that. I'm more so scared...scared to make any decisions...every decisions seems to backfire...lol... I want to make good decisions from this point o however I thought previous decisios were good as well...so who really knows.
I have decisions to make Im not quite ready to make but I know are shortly coming up to make.I'll do the best I can...thats all I can ask of myself. I know it will be harder and many of those silent nights I may be found curled up on the couch crying but...thats ok. I did what I thought was best....