Love & Attachment

I'm sure I'm going to catch alot of flack on this post none the less I'm posting it.

I have 2 children and talking with a friend one night found myself trying to explain that I love both of my children more then anything in this world but the love I have for each child is soooo sooo different. It's even hard to put into words. Which if you personally knew me you'd know is very abnormal for me not to have words...lol

When Taylor my first was born I was very excited and scared as every first time mother is. However, I was 15 and the emotions that cam with him and his pregnancy and birth and everything were far different from those I experienced with my daughter. So, many things were different with her. I loved my pregnancy with her, loved her delivery...loved it all. It was picture perfect besides the complication associated with it but even with those it was great.

I often find myself feeling guilty over these emotions. I know I love both of my kids soo much but there are lots of things that are far different with them both. For instance when Taylor went to school I was literally skipping back to the house with newborn Desi. I have been dreading Desi going to school for a year now. I look at Taylor and can't believe how fast he's grown up and how mature he is. Desi, I look at her almost daily feeling like I'm missing things with her. Hard to explain but she'll do something or give me a look and I'm just like...what happened I blinked and I missed it, when did she learn that. In all actuality I'm extremely lucky as I've been with Desi everyday practically of her life...didn't have that with Taylor as I went to school and worked all the time, so it would seem he would be the one I should feel like I missed things on but its not so.

Taylor is very calm and collected a bit emotional but over all not very confident in who he is and desi is a walking image of me. She spunky, and fun and always says whats on her mind, very confident in herself and what she can and will do, a great mini mommy to the daycare kids and always full of energy. I think that's maybe why I connect with her on so many levels. None the less I have a guilt associated with it. We all have guilt as moms for all kinds of things but this one seems to bug me the most. Like I should feel more connection with taylor, or is it cause he's gone all day and the moments that make me say awww aren't aas often as he's growing up. Don't get me wrong we have a wonderful relationship...better then most I know, but I feel guilty and I never know why. we talk about everything and hate to put it like this but experienced alot of life together, not necessarily me leading him through it but together. Not what i think is idea but its how it happened.

I know its not from a lack of love cause theres love there but I feel bad...like I feel bad cause I don't have those feelings of missing all the little things with him...does that make me a bad mom? I'd like to think not..I'm sure theres some of you out there who say it's exactly the same between your two children...and to that I say ...........BLAH-Good for you. Yes, that's just how mature I feel...lol. I just can't wrap my head around why I'm so much more emotional about the things that Desi does or says or goes through then I ever remember being with Taylor. Maybe I was and just have forgotten the little emotions I felt here and there over the last 10 years.

So, my questions to all of you is do you ever feel this way or is it just me. Do you ever feel guilty because you did more with one child then you were able to with another? Do you feel like your attachment is stronger to one child...notice I didn't say love as I believe I have just as much love for each child...just different attachments to each child if that makes sense and even if it doesn't its all I got.

Teen Mom- to grown up blog

I have been wanting for sometime to post something along the lines of how it was to be a teen mom....kinda from the begining...emotions, actions and everything really....was working on a book...kinda but hard to do so with my current schedule so I thought I would create a new blog for it. So if you would like....please feel free to follow it...It's sure to be promising and something that truly...hopefully inspires and openes eyes and hearts. thanks!

http://fromteenmomtogrownup.blogspot.com/

I Just Don't Get It

Ok, so this is going to be one of those ranting blogs. I go to the store today. Now as my readers know I had a son at a rather young age.....15. While n the store today wth my 9 yr old son....the gal at the register...young and innocent and iggnorant...made a commetn. She called my son my brother something along the line of " I bet you and your sister are going to have fun with this." My son...he's soo smart says "she's not my sister. My sister is 3." She continues to scan my items....then says "so is this your aunt or baby sitter" By this point I am slightly annoyed....I try to hold back because afterall shes just trying to make conversation. Then he just says "nope, she's my mom" She looks at me as though shes waiting for me to confirm.....I say nothing...cause well i just didn't want to...

Then she looks at me and says "really" I tell her yes I am...she says you look young and I say well thats cause I am young. Nothing but a stare from her. Ahhhhhhh why do people have to be soo obvious...and do people not think when they speak I mean my son is standing there. Sure he knows that I was young as we have discussed this many times....but must they make such a big deal out of it. I obvously care for my child...and gosh some of these people make me want to carry around all 4 of my degrees just to prove to people I'm not some crack head whore popping out babies. Ok I admit that comment may have been alot but thats the stares I get.

I just don't get it. I admit I don't agree with teens having babies, but none the less it has become quite common and yet...I get stares from old, middle aged and young...ahhh

So, ok thats it...just my rant and raves about yet more judgemental looks from people who have no clue about me and my life....ahh when will people realize juding me or these other young ladies will never help them. Drives Me Nuts.

More about me and what I have been through-just a chapter

So, hmm after todays earlier post I am a bit more at ease...and felt inspired to share a bit. A bit about me....but really it will be more than a bit...because....well because I like to write and they always turn into mini-books.

So, where to start....lets start at the begining of mommy-hood...thats far less complicated....kinda. So, I am living proof of two things...you can loose your virginity and use protection and still get pregnant. I know because this great justice happened to me when I was barely 15!

It was obviously by accident (im not one of those girls who looked to get pregnant or the fun o being a mom) to someone I barely knew anything about who was...hmmm far to old to be with someone my age....then again he thought I was 18...that's right I lied...go fig. a teenager lying to a hot boy so he liked her...but come on...Im not blaming him in any way but I really didn't look 18...he knew. I mean I am 24 and still look like I am 15! So, needless to say he was one of those guys when i confided in him after 2 months of never talking (duh cuz he was done with me..but i had those lost hopes of more) so I told him that I was pregnant he said..."hmm i'll take you for an abortion...but you have to pay." ha...every girls dreams...i know...please dont shead a tear of those sweet sweet words. lol Oh and forgot to mention I got knocked up exactly one year to the day of my moms death...hmm kinda an odd fact..but there you have it. I didn't even realize until Taylor was 2 and I was looking through some old journals.

So, I did not have an abortion and although I was adopted I guess I just didn't want to think about anything other than knowing I may be young but due to life issues I had helped raise my younger brother and sister and well.....I just knew I couldnt do anything but keep him. Although I knew it would be terriably hard...my father whom I really hated (hate isn't too strong of a word because really at that point there was alot of very hard feelings) at that point in life...for far more reasons then could be explained here. But He was born...dont worry I am sparing many details here...but trust me it sucked. I will say thought hat i timed my telling of my father and step mother until the week of their wedding...not fari or nice but like I said I was very angry with them both...more on that another time.

I was the first girl to get pregnant at my small town school in 9+ years and small as in i went to the same H.S. my dad went to..lol...my math teacher was he friend in hs...my computer teacher was his teacher...ya...you can only imagine. Everyone knew my last name and my family.

Needless to say I didn't have sex again for a very veyr very long time being scared to death. I mean if God allowed ME the gift of getting pregant they first tiem with protection...hmmmm ya I was scared!

So, Taylor was born...sweet and innocent and the real reason I would not be an utter screw up. Oh ya and he was born at 28 weeks weighing a 1 pound 2 oz within an hour after birth. He spents months in the hospital...each day them saying maybe hed make it maybe not...it sucked. I went to school worked afterwards and was at the hospital after hours. To most 15 yr old I had no life...but it was mine...adn really I had nothing better to do. After geting pregnant I became permanently grounded from anythng and everything....a lack of trust can do that.

I struggled through school....when taylor was allowed to leave the ospital he weighed just over 5 pounds...and was on all kinds of machine and meds. His daycare was crazy...so I went to school 3 days a week...got the make up work the other days. It worked...as best it could.

I struggled with not only being a single mom....a teenage mom, a student....working...taking care of a kid with special needs of being a premie..being a teenager....and having the village (everyone in my house) helping with their opinions...lol...and even at 16 I knew what all of you 20 and 30 and 40 smething know...it can drive you crazy...just being there and hearing them from time to time..imagine it everyday from 5 diff. people...as at that point the my g-parents and uncle lived with us...oh ya and my dad was re-married then. Stressed isn't a strong enough word! And ten to add insult to injury it seemed after I got pregnant at school I started an epidemic because it seemed each month someone was popping up pregnant!

So, your all wondering where the guy is right? Well when talor was born early he was contacted...to my dispair he pretended he didn't know who i was....and when told about taylors condidtion swore im to death...I fig. with that type of attitude...I'd fig. it out on my own...and I did. He was contacted a year later with no better luck and to be completely honest I was scared. What happened if he found out how old I was or his parents found out...he was 21 but...none the less adn they wanted my son...and here i was just this teenager going to school...i was scared he could take him from me...and I couldnt bear with that so I quit trying to make someone feel and think a way I clearly couldnt.

So, did this for 3 year...then moved to Colorado. Went to college while working. Got a great job as an assistant editor at a small town newpaper...while there got 4 degrees...not really because I needed that many but because I wanted to insure...Taylor never went without just because I was a single teenage mom.

So, there's a blip into my world and some of wat I have been through...more to come another evening. But, I will say for any of you whom do have teenagers it's just as hard for them as it is for you to go through..most of the times harder!

But in the end I have never looked back on my decisions and you know it was meant to be. Don't get me wrong there were lots of days I was very lost and without a key and angry and soo many emotions...but...come to find out as I aged and have been a mom 2 other times...I have come to the conclusion that EVERY MOM feels alot of those same feelings. But, it was difficult. Since I was 17 I have been working with pre-teen to already pregnant teens on their actions from getting pregnant and not only being a mom but the results of their bodies not being ready can cause harm to the child as well...such as premature birth! And, I love it and they relate to me well...partially because I am younger and because I think maybe they know when seeing it in life...pictures and all from my body to how small and fragile my poor son was. I know i strike alot of young folks and those that i encounted that are already pregnant I just try to help them and ensure they don't take their actions or their condition or the soon to be life lightly.

I knew it...sounds odd but...the lord was working and helped me through it all long before I knew he was holding my hand.....come to find out I am only 24...and have already battled cancer a few times which has left me with no longer having a chance in hell at having anoter child unless its through adoption...of which I can not afford. But, going through just this has enlightened me to so much. I don't judge others nearly as quickly.

Now, also with this greatness has come the hardship of me still at 24 gettig those looks...only I get them in a bit diff. light now. This is esp. for you 30-40 something parents who get those looks or comments about being too old...lol...and don't worry your not!

Now.....present time...... I get looks of two kinds..... 1. I get the look from those who think my son is my brother...then they are corrected and they say oh you cant be over 25....and I say NOPE I'm not! Or something along those lines...doesn't take long for other moms to ask how old I am and then to know I have a soon to be 9 yr old son... I even had one mom in her 30's with a son the same age as mine look at me and say "wow...so when your 30 he will be 15!" I just smile and say yes..politely...when inside I want to scream "BY GOSH I DID GOOD WITH HIM HE'S A GREAT KID AND GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO DO THE MATH...YEA FOR YOU" I mean do people honestly think I dont alreadyknow this.....lol. But, i still have to try 10 times harder to fit in or find my place with my sons friends moms. It's hard for them to take me seriously and to be honest I dont associate with many my age because....I was never into clubs, bars or going out...I was a mom...lol And, i really try but I always get alot of those looks once they know I just don't look young...I AM YOUNG.

Now the 2nd look is the one I like but don't really get that often! its the look of "wow good for you" It's those who see what I have surcome and how well my life is...I'm not a go nowhere person...in fact I have parents intrust their child's education to me now...lol...kinda funny how things work out.

Ok, so kids are bathed and asleep ad its time for me to go do the soaking kitchen dishes...the girl's mom is going to be here about midnight...and the soon to be hubby will be here at 11...he gets off work early...so I want to have them done to spend some much need couch time with him.

onc again thanks for reading...