Tuesday, December 7, 2010


So, it has been quite some time since I have written on here. A litte inspiration from a muse of sorts gave me a holler to get back to it. Just remember dear english teacher that I have always sucked at grammer and proper spelling and use of words.. haha.

So, alot has been going on recently. I have been dating a guy for sometime now (over 10 months). Pretty serious or at least as serious as it can be. By, this I mean he lives about 2.5 hours away. He can't move b/c of school. So we talk during the day sparingly and see eachother on the everyother to every weekend depending upon his schedule.

I'm begining to notice that maybe I have a problem. I'm not sure why I have it but I do. I am always trying to fix and mend things. i want to make everything better. I have been this way since I was a child. I never tell people no when they ask for something. Just not in me. I once even tried to start telling people no when I knew they'd never put for any much less the same amount of effort to please or help me. Needless to say it did not work.

Problem is I have found that I do this in my relationship. As things have changed over time I find that when things change too much, I try to correct them. Sometime by bring them to his attnetion, sometimes but just changing things. For instance, when I began to notice we no longer had actual conversations I began pushing for more undivided attention. As of now he attends school in the evenings so, that leaves us with mini convos of 5 min a few times a day and no real time to talk.. so I pushed for more convo. Which in turn backfired as he thought I was say he wasn't doing a good enough job and so forth. Even when I explain these are never my intentions always seems to backfire on me. We used to talk alot. So, when it changed I didn't want to get to where we never had a real convo. and then everything else drifted off as it can sometimes. So, I tried fixing it. Didn't work. I try this in other areas of the relationship as well. Long distance makes trust and evrything else 10 times harder. So, I get leary of women who are overly flirty (and its not just me, others see it. Of course he does not.) I have never been an insecure or dependent person but I find with him I am. I know I love him and when we're together there's never a question in my mind about anything. Cause its all great. But, its all thsoe days in between that I often feel like I'm the only one trying to keep things alive. Don't get me wrong he calls and is always the one who visits me because of my job and my own children. So, he makes efforts but just sucks I guess feeling like often I'm always trying to make things better when in turn he things nothing is the matter and I'm just making a list of his problem. I try explaining my feelings of hurt or jealousy (facebook is the devil for this.. people leaving comments on his wall, his comments to others.) but that always end up with us fighting from him mis-understanding me and my intentions. I hate how he never sees my point of view... and I explain it out. I know this is most men....lol, but by gosh it wasn't like this for the first 8 months or so.. well thats a lie there's always been alot of misunderstandings b/c most communication is via text or messenger or him not understanding why I feel the way I do about things he does that are rude, insensitive or hypocritical, and he just sees as me over reacting but then when I ask others they see it. Makes no sense. And, like I said when we're together there's never an issue, we communicate well and get along wonderfully. Just urks me I can't fix this and when I try.. well it blows up big time in my face. Like OMG something soo small but such a big deal. he has all my passwords to everything.. my computer that he uses, emails, everything jsut cause well theri all the same....lol he's seem my messenger and people messaging me and what not, but if I touch his phone or computer hes all away, refuses to log into messenger.. really weird n the more he refuses the more it makes me wonder y? His computer when I'm at his house he has to enter the password.. like it top secret.. idk just weird like he tries to make me insecure..idk just bothers me n not sure y. Cause I trust him, but then when he does weird things like that sets me back a bit. when I'm open about all aspects of my life n he shuts me out and then doesn't understand y it raises flags for me...

I find the same thing in my business, always trying to make people happy even if means making unwise business decisions. I know I can not always make everyone happy, nor always fix things but I always feel as though if they have reached out to me it is my responsibility to do as much as I possiably can. Why is this?????

Drives me bonkers. BLAH. No clue how to address any of it. This is mostly one big rant...lol but o well