Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I have literally never felt as horrible and as sick to my stomach as I do at this very moment. Tonight I had to give some parents of mine (daycare parents) their 2 week notice. I can't get into the details but because I could no longer retain an aid.. well that's not completely true I just can't depend on them to show up and not be over on my numbers if they do not.

 Its soo complicated its nuts however basically the state is bulling me into having to let go of two kiddos I have had for 2.5 years. Their some of my favorites and I love their parents and all we've done for one another more than anything in this world. Not to mention the little kiddos I've grown soo attached to its crazy. Their kiddos are like my kids brother and sister.

Anyways, tonight I had to ask them to leave in two weeks. It boils down to not having an assistant anymore and needing to cut back on my numbers because I will no longer have an assistant. As well as if I care for these kiddos when they need it as of may.. until 7pm in the evening and on every other weekend. I can have no friends or family come over who have a past the state does not like. Which is like everyone in my family... lol.. and a ton of my friends. As, well there's very few people in this world whom have never been in trouble.

 Anyways, it very much so boils down to watching these kids or continuing to would mean the end of my life as I know it. I feel horrible. I feel like I have let them down.. good friends as well as their kids.

Everything about the state just pisses me off right now. They want to control my life even on non-daycare hours and who is or is not allowed in my home. Which makes no sense to me what so ever if I'm not operating at that time. This case is just different. I've never had to ask anyone to leave much less kiddos I loved and have had for so long.  Just rahter pissed off as a whole.

Don't judge me....

don't look at me like that.

I live in a small community. It's over flowing with that I call helecoptor PTO moms. These are the moms who would rather die than miss one soccer pratice, who overflow their children with activities as well as themselves. You know these women no matter where you live. Maybe your even one of them. Their the moms that no matter what tiem of day or where you see them they have their perfectly pressed, non stained clothes on, hair in perfect place, make-up done to the T and look as though they get all the sleep in the world. Their the moms that I often look at and wonder hmm what am I doing wrong. I rarly put on my face just to leave the house, always have paint or something on me and well.. the hair.. even when all dolled up to go out is never to perfection.

These moms slightly annoy me. It's not their fault. I just can't stand that everytime I run into them. All they have to talk about is the great things their family, kids, hubby or themselves are doing. I can meet the same 20 women anywhere in town throughout a month and they never have anythign to say that doesn't reflect wonderfully on their perfect life. Now i'm not ignorant. I know their lives, children and family aren't perfect. You may say well their just positive people and don't want to discuss negative things or maybe they don't want to be that person always complaining. Which i agree both of those suck. But every now and then its good to see someone be human. Make mistakes, admit to their kids nto beign perfect.

I am not friends with these mothers. I may know them. Exchange friendly waves and small talk. But, would they ever invite me to dinner... nooooooo. Partially because I'm an incomplete family. They've never had a divorce and if they have they're never spoken of. They don't drink or if they do its the classy kinda drinkin. They don't swear or at least never in public. they didn't have children outta wedlock or as a teenager. Their children all come from one father. I'm trash I'm sure in their eyes. It doesn't bother me. I'm ok with not being a part of "the group". However, what I do not like and what bothers me is the looks. I often get looks from these moms.. at the store when my daughter refused to let me put up her hair thats a mess even after you brush it, or my son wants to wear something that doesn't match at all out to dinner, or when I'm shopping at night with or without my kids and well i look a mess. I'm sure many of you can sympathize with me on this. Their the moms that make you feel as though you're never quite adding up to what you should be. Not doing enough. Like I said its not all their fault.. sure the looks are and making others feel inseperior. But the fact that they can do it all is slightly impressive. However... it just annoys the FUCK outta me.

Yep.. I jsut used one of those words.. no classy woman much less a mother should ever use.

Another year has come and Gone

I've never had a birthday affect me but this year I have so much going on in my life that is uncertain such as my health and a few other things that I find myself slightly down about this birthday. Primarily because I guess it blows. It's not going to be with any of my loved ones.. other than of course my kiddos. Which of course I treasure but realistically its just not the same as adult loves ones and family. I'm sure you know what I mean.

I've always been okay with getting older. Cause well I just don't care. Never have. In fact as a child I couldn't wait to be 30. I have no clue why but it was that age I just couldn't wait to reach. It's the age where I was sure I'd have everything together in a nice little bundle. I'm only going to be 27 as of tomorrow. So, its no big deal but I find it just blows because its not going to be what I wanted. To essentially be surrounded by those I love the most. It's just not possible this year.

I have found myself reflecting on what the me of say 15 would think of the me now. Would she be disappointed or impressed? Goals and pieces of my life haven't went as planned as I'm certain they haven't for anyone. But, I know even with all the unplanned events my life is still a wonderful thing. I just find myself giggling a bit thinking about how naive I was. Even 12 years ago I was a mother. But that aside sooo much has changed it's amazing. My views on things and people. The things I've lived through but never imagined I would. Kinda puts some things in perspective for me and the current things going on. As I think back to some of the bigger things that have happened that I didn't see any good coming from or a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.... now in hind sight I see it all.

I'm hoping for this birthday just to come with no bad news. That is my highest expectation from this birthday.