Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Breathing Easier

So, after about a month of high stress things going on. The dust has settled a bit. Alas, here I still stand. Whole and in tact. Alittle dinged up, a few wounds that still need to heal. But, alive and ready to go on. Light is showing at the end of the tunnel.

Ok, so you get it right? Things are on the up and hopefully just keep going in that direction. lol

With the primary bad stress behind me. I say bad stress as in the stuff you have no control over but controls all of your life. Like your health. I'm hoping to finally be able to sleep. After over a month of not getting much sleep and this last week I haven't slept 2 consequitive hours in a row on any given night. Tried everything from sleeping meds to general stuff like tylnol pm and nyquil and well... nothing. Hoping that just maybe... I can rest easy. I definately need to work on not harboring hard feelings on those who have worked oooo soo hard to make my life more complicated. That's going to be the hardest part for me is not having my mind sit on all the ways I could cause them just as many issues. Problem is with me is I don't have the heart to do that. I have enough anger to think up things, but would I ever follow through... nah. Not in my nature. Kill them with kindness right? Ya, well while I may nto be spreading the kindness I'll just let it go... may take a bit.

While all the stress isn't totally behind me I guess I feel like things at least have a solution now. A path to correction. It's hard to explain without giving a ton of details. All in all life is starting to look like it could go back to normal. Well, as much normal as it can. In May, I should be able to explain more... and trust me when those details come out... you'll understand it all. However, as of now I can't share all the details of all the stress. But just had to get on and write something...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Crafting BLOG.. share it for a chance at free goodies!

I began a new blog in efforts to seperate my crafting goodies from all the other choas I write about. Please go and follow it. with each new follower throughout the month.. I plan on doing a drawing for a prize for every 10 people who follow me!!! They will be amazing items like Prima and Tim Holtz and so forth.  So send it to your friends, share it with all you know.  There's going to be alot of ideas, convo, some chats, challeneges, and tons of giveaways!!! So.. go ahead.. share away!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011


So, I had to share this. Each year my birthday rolls around. Each year my father forgets.. and is very open about forgetting or letting me know his 6 year old son had to remind him. Well this year was by far priceless. My birthday was on the 13th. On the 15th I get a message from him.

"You're suppose to answer your phone on your Birthday. Happy Birthday."

I shook my head. i figured when I saw the message he had forgotten or he had the wrong day. Amazing to me. Simply shocking. He never forgets my brother or sisters birthday. I just don't get it. It's hurtful. However I have to say I did not call him as I wanted to and say "Geez dad I do answer my phone.. ON MY BIRTHDAY!" I didn't.

I did call my sister, who also had forgotten until my brother called to tell her to call me. haha However she was very honest.. about almost forgetting and when i said it was just fine she was all about telling me how I should be yelling and bitching at her as she would me if I had forgotten. I do find it funny how everyone in my family can recall everyone else's b-days, even my kids... lol except mine. Cracks me up.

 I told my sister she ought to call my dad and ask if he called me two days prior for my birthday. She did, he stated he knew it wasn't my b-day but fig. he might as well call. See to me it would have been much easier had he just called and said I'm sorry I forgot it. But no instead he tries to talk my sister into calling me and also telling me happy birthday on the wrong day. WOW

That is all I could say to that. WOW

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A Must Read

I got this book for Christmas from a good friend of mine. Has taken me a while to get it finished but I have to say I'm totally in love with it.

I'm not normally a fan of Whoopi persay. However, this book is amazing! had to give it a shout out. Basically she talks about an assortment of things that just tick her off. haha I know who wants to read about someones rants and raves? But this book was like it was written by me. Talks about rude people using their cell phones anywhere and everywhere.. event he darn bathroom. Being rude to others at events, kids in places they shouldn't be, children not being independent, not going outside and playing but instead becoming overweight sitting inside doing nothing but glued to something that plugs in.

I just adore reading it. makes me feel like I'm not insane whenever I've been on my little soap box complaing about rude people and the lack of general manners amongst people.

If you enjoy reading and often find yourself asking what int he hell has happened to people or kids for that matter.. it's a must read piece.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I have literally never felt as horrible and as sick to my stomach as I do at this very moment. Tonight I had to give some parents of mine (daycare parents) their 2 week notice. I can't get into the details but because I could no longer retain an aid.. well that's not completely true I just can't depend on them to show up and not be over on my numbers if they do not.

 Its soo complicated its nuts however basically the state is bulling me into having to let go of two kiddos I have had for 2.5 years. Their some of my favorites and I love their parents and all we've done for one another more than anything in this world. Not to mention the little kiddos I've grown soo attached to its crazy. Their kiddos are like my kids brother and sister.

Anyways, tonight I had to ask them to leave in two weeks. It boils down to not having an assistant anymore and needing to cut back on my numbers because I will no longer have an assistant. As well as if I care for these kiddos when they need it as of may.. until 7pm in the evening and on every other weekend. I can have no friends or family come over who have a past the state does not like. Which is like everyone in my family... lol.. and a ton of my friends. As, well there's very few people in this world whom have never been in trouble.

 Anyways, it very much so boils down to watching these kids or continuing to would mean the end of my life as I know it. I feel horrible. I feel like I have let them down.. good friends as well as their kids.

Everything about the state just pisses me off right now. They want to control my life even on non-daycare hours and who is or is not allowed in my home. Which makes no sense to me what so ever if I'm not operating at that time. This case is just different. I've never had to ask anyone to leave much less kiddos I loved and have had for so long.  Just rahter pissed off as a whole.

Don't judge me....

don't look at me like that.

I live in a small community. It's over flowing with that I call helecoptor PTO moms. These are the moms who would rather die than miss one soccer pratice, who overflow their children with activities as well as themselves. You know these women no matter where you live. Maybe your even one of them. Their the moms that no matter what tiem of day or where you see them they have their perfectly pressed, non stained clothes on, hair in perfect place, make-up done to the T and look as though they get all the sleep in the world. Their the moms that I often look at and wonder hmm what am I doing wrong. I rarly put on my face just to leave the house, always have paint or something on me and well.. the hair.. even when all dolled up to go out is never to perfection.

These moms slightly annoy me. It's not their fault. I just can't stand that everytime I run into them. All they have to talk about is the great things their family, kids, hubby or themselves are doing. I can meet the same 20 women anywhere in town throughout a month and they never have anythign to say that doesn't reflect wonderfully on their perfect life. Now i'm not ignorant. I know their lives, children and family aren't perfect. You may say well their just positive people and don't want to discuss negative things or maybe they don't want to be that person always complaining. Which i agree both of those suck. But every now and then its good to see someone be human. Make mistakes, admit to their kids nto beign perfect.

I am not friends with these mothers. I may know them. Exchange friendly waves and small talk. But, would they ever invite me to dinner... nooooooo. Partially because I'm an incomplete family. They've never had a divorce and if they have they're never spoken of. They don't drink or if they do its the classy kinda drinkin. They don't swear or at least never in public. they didn't have children outta wedlock or as a teenager. Their children all come from one father. I'm trash I'm sure in their eyes. It doesn't bother me. I'm ok with not being a part of "the group". However, what I do not like and what bothers me is the looks. I often get looks from these moms.. at the store when my daughter refused to let me put up her hair thats a mess even after you brush it, or my son wants to wear something that doesn't match at all out to dinner, or when I'm shopping at night with or without my kids and well i look a mess. I'm sure many of you can sympathize with me on this. Their the moms that make you feel as though you're never quite adding up to what you should be. Not doing enough. Like I said its not all their fault.. sure the looks are and making others feel inseperior. But the fact that they can do it all is slightly impressive. However... it just annoys the FUCK outta me.

Yep.. I jsut used one of those words.. no classy woman much less a mother should ever use.

Another year has come and Gone

I've never had a birthday affect me but this year I have so much going on in my life that is uncertain such as my health and a few other things that I find myself slightly down about this birthday. Primarily because I guess it blows. It's not going to be with any of my loved ones.. other than of course my kiddos. Which of course I treasure but realistically its just not the same as adult loves ones and family. I'm sure you know what I mean.

I've always been okay with getting older. Cause well I just don't care. Never have. In fact as a child I couldn't wait to be 30. I have no clue why but it was that age I just couldn't wait to reach. It's the age where I was sure I'd have everything together in a nice little bundle. I'm only going to be 27 as of tomorrow. So, its no big deal but I find it just blows because its not going to be what I wanted. To essentially be surrounded by those I love the most. It's just not possible this year.

I have found myself reflecting on what the me of say 15 would think of the me now. Would she be disappointed or impressed? Goals and pieces of my life haven't went as planned as I'm certain they haven't for anyone. But, I know even with all the unplanned events my life is still a wonderful thing. I just find myself giggling a bit thinking about how naive I was. Even 12 years ago I was a mother. But that aside sooo much has changed it's amazing. My views on things and people. The things I've lived through but never imagined I would. Kinda puts some things in perspective for me and the current things going on. As I think back to some of the bigger things that have happened that I didn't see any good coming from or a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.... now in hind sight I see it all.

I'm hoping for this birthday just to come with no bad news. That is my highest expectation from this birthday.

Monday, April 11, 2011


It's amazing to me how much fear can rule ones life. The fear of not beign able to provide for your family. Fear for your health. The fear of maybe losing a job. The fear of losing someone you love The fear of losing a child. The fear of what will come. There's soooo many fears one can have. It's impossible to list them all.

Each different and involving different emotions. Sometimes emotions you can't even explain or put into any sorts of words. I'm pretty good with words but here lately I've some to the conclusion that words no longer make a difference.

How do you handle your fear? Do you put it in God's hands, do you eat it, so you exercise it off, take it out on others, bottle it up? What works for you.

I haven't been doing to well with my fears and concerns. Mainly I say I talk to others about them but it doesn't make me feel any better. For that matter neither does blogging about it. I have some fears.. such as the dark, that scares me alot! But other fears such as my health and situation in life. The things I have no real control over. I know have no control over any of it. Yet all of the possible outcomes of a few thigns have been running through my head. Causes me not to sleep thinking.... endless thinking. Literally, I don't sleep. I am not sure how to fix this. It's annoying and I know its just because this period of my life is a struggle in making decisions. There's soo many decisions to make, never knowing which ones lead to the path I want or should take.

I hate disappointing others more than anything but am coming to a point and time in my life where I'm understanding I have to at certian points. Which just blows!

Choas for sure

I find that I have not written for some time about anything with meaning as well life has been throwing me curve ball after curve ball. Pretty sure its nearly to the point of breakign my back trying to hit the damn things.

I hate whinning so rather than writing I've found myself keeping the thoughts to myself and those who are closest to me.

It's been overwhelming enough right now in life to deal with it all much less to write it all down and look over what i have written. i find that rather than beign healing it would be more so depressing.

So, on another note of a re-cap I have created a new blog for all crafting. Seems to make more sense to use this as a personal blog and keep my crafts and creations on the other blog.

I'm going to try more to write about somethings. I have to admit I do miss it alot.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

NEW crafting blog

Here's the link to my new crafting blog. Very excited about it. There will be tons of projects, how to's, tutorials, vids, tons of pics and lots of inspiration. Please feel free to follow it if you've loved following this blog. I'll be sharing tons of my recents projects, layouts, party decor and will even be doing some class online when I get enough of an audiance together.