Thursday, February 4, 2010


Everyone knows chage is hard. Hardest when theres people you care about involved. I recently made the decision to become yet again a single mom. Hardest decision I have had to make probably in 7 years. However, I truly felt it was needed for the health and well being of all involved. Not matter is the decison was easily or hard in coming to all chages are hard. Even harder when children are involved. I have found myself in a home by myself for only a few days now. Somethings are easier to adjust to the others I will admit. The hardest is at night after all of the kids are in bed. Its quiet....I dont want very much tv ad dont have cable so theres not eve the sound of tv in the background. Just silence. Its something for sure that will take me time to get used to. Sleeping alone...yet another thing to get used to.
Durig the day is much simplier as the 12 childre running around keep me on my toes and leave little room for silence or for my mind to wonder. I find myself curious how it all turns out as I suspect anyone in this kind of situation does. I know it won't be easy but nothing in my life has been easy so I almost find a comfort in knowing challeneges are coming. I've had the talks with the kids...which was less then enjoyable. However I wanted everything out there. While my 4.5 year old only takes away that her "brother" won't be around very much my son at 10 seems not to be fazed by it. Not sure if hes holding it in or if the last two years with Matt he has't formed the bond I thought maybe had been there...even if just alittle.
I always thought it would be easier to leave someone whos not the father of your children but it has prove to be no easier as I looke dinto desi's eyes and she says "so I dot have a daddy anymore" I almost broke down but held it together...she will always have a father but hes far away which is hard for her to understand. Moments like these make me question what I asked for in him leaving to figure things out. But then I look and say is it better hes here while figuring it out. I guess none of us kow the answers really. We make educated guesses with every decision in life.
It's nap time and the house is quiet aside from a few giggles from the girls trying to chit chat while napping and soft country music playig in the background. The music I have found breaks the silence. I spend my days looking over budgets repeatedly wondering will it work...sure it will...then I revisit it an hr later making sure I didn't forget anything.
It hits me...everything is more complicated now. I work from 5am to about 9pm watching other peoples kids 7 days a week. It's scarce that I have a day off and while I have hired a assistant for during the day how will I work out goig to the bank, paying bills, grocery shopping. If it were just my kids thats simple...I have done that before. I'm scared but you can't show that or the kids eat it up like candy. I'm not scared on making it and I'm one of those who survive no matter what. I'm scared of more bad decisions that affect everyone lives. I hate cats or I might turn into one of those crazy cat ladies...crosses my decide against that. I'm more so scared...scared to make any decisions...every decisions seems to I want to make good decisions from this point o however I thought previous decisios were good as who really knows.
I have decisions to make Im not quite ready to make but I know are shortly coming up to make.I'll do the best I can...thats all I can ask of myself. I know it will be harder and many of those silent nights I may be found curled up on the couch crying but...thats ok. I did what I thought was best....