Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Love & Attachment

I'm sure I'm going to catch alot of flack on this post none the less I'm posting it.

I have 2 children and talking with a friend one night found myself trying to explain that I love both of my children more then anything in this world but the love I have for each child is soooo sooo different. It's even hard to put into words. Which if you personally knew me you'd know is very abnormal for me not to have words...lol

When Taylor my first was born I was very excited and scared as every first time mother is. However, I was 15 and the emotions that cam with him and his pregnancy and birth and everything were far different from those I experienced with my daughter. So, many things were different with her. I loved my pregnancy with her, loved her delivery...loved it all. It was picture perfect besides the complication associated with it but even with those it was great.

I often find myself feeling guilty over these emotions. I know I love both of my kids soo much but there are lots of things that are far different with them both. For instance when Taylor went to school I was literally skipping back to the house with newborn Desi. I have been dreading Desi going to school for a year now. I look at Taylor and can't believe how fast he's grown up and how mature he is. Desi, I look at her almost daily feeling like I'm missing things with her. Hard to explain but she'll do something or give me a look and I'm just like...what happened I blinked and I missed it, when did she learn that. In all actuality I'm extremely lucky as I've been with Desi everyday practically of her life...didn't have that with Taylor as I went to school and worked all the time, so it would seem he would be the one I should feel like I missed things on but its not so.

Taylor is very calm and collected a bit emotional but over all not very confident in who he is and desi is a walking image of me. She spunky, and fun and always says whats on her mind, very confident in herself and what she can and will do, a great mini mommy to the daycare kids and always full of energy. I think that's maybe why I connect with her on so many levels. None the less I have a guilt associated with it. We all have guilt as moms for all kinds of things but this one seems to bug me the most. Like I should feel more connection with taylor, or is it cause he's gone all day and the moments that make me say awww aren't aas often as he's growing up. Don't get me wrong we have a wonderful relationship...better then most I know, but I feel guilty and I never know why. we talk about everything and hate to put it like this but experienced alot of life together, not necessarily me leading him through it but together. Not what i think is idea but its how it happened.

I know its not from a lack of love cause theres love there but I feel bad...like I feel bad cause I don't have those feelings of missing all the little things with him...does that make me a bad mom? I'd like to think not..I'm sure theres some of you out there who say it's exactly the same between your two children...and to that I say ...........BLAH-Good for you. Yes, that's just how mature I feel...lol. I just can't wrap my head around why I'm so much more emotional about the things that Desi does or says or goes through then I ever remember being with Taylor. Maybe I was and just have forgotten the little emotions I felt here and there over the last 10 years.

So, my questions to all of you is do you ever feel this way or is it just me. Do you ever feel guilty because you did more with one child then you were able to with another? Do you feel like your attachment is stronger to one child...notice I didn't say love as I believe I have just as much love for each child...just different attachments to each child if that makes sense and even if it doesn't its all I got.

1 comment:

Jenn Luck said...

Absolutely. I have 3 as u know. I feel the same way. Madison and I never had the bond that new mommy & baby connection. So much happened with her and I when I had her. Long story. I had a great bond with Maisie but stronger with Augustus. I love them all so much but the bond the attachment is different. Doesn't mean u don't love them less. Just different attachments. I feel sometimes I am more with my son cause he is the only boy and my last child I will ever have. I ask myself is that why u feel the attachment more with him then the girl? But really I don't know. Madison is getting older and that scares me and I break down to tears when I see that before I know it she will be a teenager and that I am not ready for. Just speaking of this makes me tear up. They all grow up so darn fast and it's so hard when u work all day and your kids are either at school or daycare. And you miss the important things they do or learn. Sometimes life gets so busy you feel guilty of all that is going on because you don't get that one on one time with your kids. Sometimes I say I need to stop and look back and see they are growing right before your eyes and they will soon by gone. All grown up. There are so many things you want to do with each on of them before they get to the age of not wanting or needing mom. I have many different attachments of my kids. I always wonder does each one of them see that I do that? How do they feel and how can I make it to where it's all the same but different in good ways. I have so many emotions and so few words to express on it. But Lac u are not alone.